Fellow Shooter Stuart sent over these stories sourced from various newspapers.   Who knows whether or not they are true... and frankly, who cares?  I particluarly liked number 4.   

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"  (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

In all the hoo-hah over the last week and a half I have somewhat lost track of what day it is.   Or was.   Or at least what it was yesterday.   Yes, after 11 years of marriage and for the first time (better be the last) I forgot my wife's birthday.

My attempt to suggest the flowers purchased for Mothers Day were an advance Birthday pressie, were not well recieved.   Hope these are better...

 

I must credit Mr FM for originally posting this item a few days ago - but I did want to share it with you lot...

What is tax freedom day?  It is the day of the year from which we become free of working to pay tax... so how long do we have to spend working for the government, rather than ourselves? The answer is nearly half the year:

The March 2005 Budget moved Tax Freedom Day later by 3 days. The March 2006 Budget means that this year we will have to work yet another three days for the government. These are both historically very large increases in the tax burden. And 3 June is the latest that Tax Freedom Day has been since 1988!

Cue a complete lack of surprise....Tax and Waste Brown continues on his merry way.

I did a rough calculation to try and figure out the equivalent Tax Freedom day for Hong Kong.   The answer: Feb 14th.

No idea where this came from... Shivs sent it over... enjoy!   As she says, I wonder if there is a Toni version?

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

The lack of posts for the last week is entirely my Mums' fault.    But I'm happy to take the blame this time.    Her op went very well and she is recovering well too - with an even chance she may be out at the weekend.

A very large collective sigh of relief from all of us down on the farm.   I've been up and down to Brum to visit as they only allow relatives in ICU and what an ICU.    Forget the stuff on the telly.   You have never seen so much kit / drips / monitors and attention.   One nurse per patient - at least for the first couple of days.

We can all moan about the state of the health service - and we will see what things are like on a regular ward this week - but at the sharp end when intensive care is needed, what I saw was deeply impressive.

I suspect it is the commitment of the people that work there who make the difference and to whom I am very grateful for the care they are giving my Mum.   None of them will read this - but that doesn't stop me saying THANKS.

Not usually drawn to watch The Apprentice, I did so for a few minutes this evening.

What a load of tosh.   A collection of squabbling sour faced egotistical self important arrogant little toads trying - and miserably failing - to work together to shoe shine the boss in the hope one of them may win the 'prize' of a years work as his 'apprentice'.

I work in a fairly stressful and pressured environment and I get to see my fair share of some of these characteristics from time to time - but I wouldn't give any one of them on the TV show a job.  No way.

The best thing they could learn is that working together and being a whole lot less confrontational will achieve so much more.   They might even learn to enjoy it too.

Many congratulations to our friends The Fisherman, Fishwife and new arrival, Fishbaby Boy (these pseudonyms do need some work..)   Born at 2.53am today in Wiltshire, after a pit of a palaver, all are doing very well indeed.

Friends eagerly anticipating a serious headwetting party down these yerrr parrrts in the very near future!

A difficult week with no time to post and no appetite for being particularly creative...Mum is in hospital as I type having a big op.. I'm off to visit again soonish.. fingers firmly crossed.

On check in yesterday we marvelled at the level of disorganisation - it was so palpable all the other patients were talking about it too.   And I don't mean the medical staff - they were fabulous.   No, it's the administration.   The car park is 400 yards from the entrance and the ward is another 200 yards... this is of course fine, provided you are not unwell...

You then have to navigate the chaos of incoherent signage - and considering half the patients seem to have english as a second language, I could really sympathise with them.   At one point we were heading to the Psychiatric Wing by mistake and I was seriously considering checking myself in...

Pauline Smith, 37, of Everton, was interviewed by the Liverpool Echo after her son, Calum, 13, along with a cousin, received an Asbo in March that related to complaints of intimidating schoolchildren, chasing neighbours with iron bars, setting fire to bins, throwing stones at people and property, verbal abuse, making ...   more »

Here's a new storm in Whitehall: a "peerages for loans" controversy that threatens to engulf Toni Blah in yet more allegations of sleaze.  Labour's treasurer Jack Dromey said he had been "kept in the dark" about the loans policy and called for a full investigation by the Electoral Commission.

He accused the Prime Minister of running a secret funding operation involving millions of pounds without the knowledge of the party's elected officials.   An accusation that seems to be holding up as the PM admitted today that he used a loophole in the rules on political donations to nominate for peerages three businessmen who made "secret" loans of more than £1 million to Labour.

"It was the Labour Party that campaigned in opposition for action to ensure that there was the necessary transparency as part of the clean-up of politics," Dromey said. "The Labour Party needs to put its house in order to restore public and party members' confidence."   Too right...but probably too late.

Allegations that Mr Blair was abusing the patronage system by hiding donations in the form of loans and offering peerages in return resurfaced last weekend after another donor, Chai Patel, the chief executive of the Priory health care group, revealed details of Labour's methods.

Mr Patel, who was offered a peerage after lending the party £1.5 million last year, said he had been prepared to give the money as a gift. But senior party figures had persuaded him to hand it over as a loan instead, on which interest would be paid at commercial rates.

By raising money in this way, political parties do not have to declare it to the Electoral Commission, which makes the figures public. As a result, they hoped to avoid accusations that they are selling peerages or other honours.

Apparently Mr Dromey was incensed by reports that Mr Blair's close ally and envoy to the Middle East, Lord Levy, had acted as the go-between - completely without his knowledge - to secure loans of about £4.5 million from three supporters who were subsequently recommended for peerages.

While there had been no "illegality", there had been "impropriety."  That is putting it nicely!

Mr Patel, who has not withdrawn his name from the list, said he had not sought or expected a peerage (not entirely sure that is honest either..). But he conceded that the honours system had been "reduced to a bazaar" in which people asked "what was the price of a peerage?"    I can help here Mr Patel; market evidence supports a valuation of about £1 million a pop.

If I recall it was the relentless allegations of sleaze that brought down the previous Conservative government.  It would appear the current administration has learned little.

Standing quietly in the wings, smiling, is PM in waiting 'tax and waste' Brown.

Stung by the global popularity of CNN and BBC television chanels in english, France's President Chirac (remember, the chap that singlehandedly convinced the IOC not to award the games to Paris?) promised a "CNN à la française" in the 2002 election campaign

However, the dream of mounting a challenge to CNN and the BBC has suffered an embarrassing setback after it emerged that the new channel would broadcast mostly in English.

It was always known that part of the channel's output would be in English and Arabic but champions of the French language were appalled at suggestions that its output in the language be less than four hours a day.

President Jacques Chirac promised a station that will "spread the values of France and its global vision throughout the world".

What value would that be then?   A work ethic that only manages to produce about 4 hours of native language telly per day?   Or a global vision of a predominantly english media with a bit of francais for light relief?   Or a vision of a pompous and arrogant twit who addresses the very neighbours who provided salvation in two wars, with a condescenidng "Nos amis anglais...."

A spokesman for the channel was reported to have defended the proposal on the grounds that English was a universal language, adding: "We are hardly committing an act of high treason."

Ooooh.   I doubt your President agrees mon ami.

Tee Hee.

It was with a mixture of anger and incredulity, that I read of Tax and Waste Browns' decision to elect to buy a new Toyota Prius as opposed to a Jaguar, as his new ministerial car.

I am sure this is a precursor to him raising more taxes from the beleagured motorist, under the guise that he is now a cuddly eco friendly vote winning chancellor.   Fat chance.

He should have been making a far more important statement:  supporting the 25,000 or so workers making cars in England.   What is wrong with this country when our 'leaders' make such appalling decisions?   It's not that the Prius is a bad car - actually I think it superb - but can you honestly ever imagine a German or French leader not buying a car produced locally from a national manufacturer?

Thought not.

The internet is a wonderful thing,    Surfing, searching for inspiration for a blog for today about Dan Brown, I came across a site about ambigrams and then a link to this site.....Backwards Bush.   Tenuous links indeed...and more about Dan Brown later.. if I have time dear reader....

I digress...clearly not a republican site, it contains a backwards counter, because counting backwards makes time pass more quickly (?), displaying how long Dubya has left in office.

They are also offering for sale a keyring countdown - simply a must have for all good democrats this season - and offer a tempting list of reasons why you need one:

1. You'll never again be mistaken for a Republican.
2. Wearing one around your neck helps to keep Republicans away and smells much better than garlic.
3. You can attach a magnet or tape to the back of it and hang it anywhere you damn well please!
4. Carrying a BackwardsBush keychain will make it much easier on the Secret Service to identify you when they break into your house in the middle of the night to take you to Guantanamo.
5. In case of impeachment, keychain can easily be reset to reflect new departure date.
6. It's worth buying one just to see how ticked off Republicans get when they see it.
7. Purchasing a BackwardsBush keychain instantly qualifies you for "Enemy Combatant" status.
8. You might as well spend your money on a keychain now, because if social security gets privatized, you won't have any money left!!!
9. Once Bush gets his judges on the bench, the keychains will be illegal (and therefore a collector's item).
10. Since you're reading this, you're probably already being spied on by the NSA so you might as well make it worth it!!!

Wonderful....and it put a smile on my face today.

Apparently on the Steve Wright in the afternoon show on Radio 2, Miles Mendoza (one of his studio sidekicks) has a feature called 'Website of the Day'.    Shivs sent this to me today...http://www.cluelessaboutwine.co.uk/

It's well worth checking out.   The premise is a the site is run by a chap in his 30's and he seems to travel a lot.   And drink a too.   He records all the wine he drinks, where it is drunk and he rates it accordingly.   No fancy descriptions, just a simple star rating and comment.

Brilliant.   Wish I'd thought of it!

Having been bitten hard by the rally bug at last years Rally of the Tests, I have been planning which events I would like to do this year.

The plan has been for Shivs and I to take part and, with that in mind, I've entered the Three Castles Rally in Wales in May.    And May is not far away and the car has not had any of the repairs it needs...

So I made a start on one of the main problems over the weekend and removed the radiator which had become rather too friendly with the fan, with dramatic consequences.   The repair - effected with the help of the amazing Tony - comprises plastic padding and RadWeld.   Amazingly it worked

The offending parts:

The list of other repairs is very long - it was prepared in detail on completion of the rally in order to be really well prepared for this one.

If only I could find the damn thing.

The Lords and Commons Pipe and Cigar Smokers Club meet for their annual lunch in London on National No Smoking Day

And it will be their penultimate event, thanks to the over prescriptive legislation their colleagues in government supported, banning smoking in all public (and many private) places from July next year.

I learned today that footballer Wayne Rooney (20) has signed a five book autobiography deal for Five  Million  Quid.

Quite how he will fill five volumes I know not.    Churchill needed eight - of course he was a little older - and had a tad more about which to write.

I just hope for Waynes sake, someone will read them to him.

From the Torygraph today, part time model Donna Maddock, was photographed by a SPECS speed camera applying her make up as she drove at 32 mph through a known accident blackspot.  They even provide a snap to prove it:

Two points spring to mind - first, obviously, that she is a numpty with mascara for brains.   Second... and a tad more sinister, is why was a picture taken of someone who was not speeding?

Just a thought.

Sound Knowledge in Marlborough is run by the eponymous Roger The Knowledge - well, at least as far as I am concerned.   I've been popping in there over the last 6 months to indulge in some new tunes - more of which later as I've heard some gems thanks to Rogers guidance - and also some re-issued masters....


(the album cover of the century:  paul simonon trashing his fender bass in frustration at a seated audience:  the horror! - pic by pennie smith)

Now on the one hand I have a bit of an issue paying another 20 quid for the same stuff I bought in 1979 for a fiver just because the format has been revised... and anyway the real single sleeve double album with the lyrics in the sleeve notes will always be irreplaceable... sure, but actually this re-issue was 15 quid, came with 20 'new and unreleased versions/songs and a DVD of the making of the quintessential Clash album.

Following 2 albums (The Clash and Give 'em Enough Rope) which received mixed critical acclaim and success, the Clash were at a bit of a low.   They came back from a US tour, played football and made this masterpiece.   19 songs for the price of a single album covering a range of styles from punk to reggae - if you don't have it: you should.    This 'anniversary' (of precisely what?) edition is well worth your hard earned, according to me and the Las Vegas Mercury:

Hollywood found itself with a giant cash cow in 1998 with the emergence of the DVD format, whereupon a film could be presented in its most crisp and clean version, along with bonus programming options. Watching a movie changed as its backstory became part of the viewing experience. The music industry has gotten in on this lucrative windfall as well, starting with home video-oriented DVD packages, and CDs with bonus "rare footage" DVDs.

The best example of this could just be Sony's recent 25th anniversary edition of the Clash's London Calling, one of the most revered albums in rock history. As if there wasn't enough ambition on the original 19-track version, its latest release features another 21 tracks of demos (including five "new" songs); a DVD with a documentary, footage from the recording sessions and promo videos for three of the singles; and a booklet with essays and previously unpublished photos. It actually takes longer to absorb the entire package than it does the band's 1981 triple album, Sandinista! Everything here tells the story of how the British band's third album was conceived and recorded, and explores the legacy it has developed since its breakthrough. It reveals the songs' various institutional, social and political influences. And it features tasty footage of the album's hyperactive producer, Guy Stevens, who thrashed orchestra chairs down in the studio the same way bassist Paul Simonon destroyed his white Fender, as seen on the cover artwork.

Yet none of it is as scintillating as the actual album itself, a tight 66-minute work that confidently stretches the boundaries of punk rock without a hint of self-consciousness. And then there are the tunes--the iconoclastic melody march of the title track, the alluring dub bassline of "The Guns of Brixton," the pop reverie of "Train in Vain." It makes this new package feel less like a marketing ploy and more like a celebration.

Just buy it.

A splendid and varied weekend in the country is just the ticket for recharging the batteries and lifting the spirits.   Which, in common with my LandRovers battery, were flat as a pancake on Saturday morning.

I took leave on Friday, ruined early on when we found out the house we were hoping to buy was to be sold to someone else.   A trawl of the estate agents did little to enhance my humour as the total stock of suitable property in Wiltshire was nil.    A bright spot was the chance to do the school run and pick the kids up at close of play - giving Shivs ample room to cook a wicked steak - a treat as Electric Pete was coming to stay.   A good bottle of Baron de Brane '95 and things were looking up.

Saturday began bright and cold with the challenge of pursuading a recalcitrant LandRover to start.   Battery start packs connected... spare batteries added.... to no avail... the motor would turn, but without adequate compression to fire.   Jumping from the Jag was my last resort which promptly blew the 100A aleternator fuse, confirming the status as 'dead'.

No matter - off to TH White for ...   more »

Imagine my complete lack of surprise yesterday to read that Tessa Jowell has separated from her husband in an effort to save our Toni from being dragged deeper and deeper into scandal.

The Culture Secretary was said to be "heartbroken" after she and Mr Mills agreed to a "period of separation" after revelations about his business dealings threatened to plunge the Government into turmoil.

The final straw for Ms Jowell had been the revelation that Mr Mills, a commercial lawyer, touted for business in Dubai by describing himself as the husband of a cabinet minister and supported by Tony Blair, Downing Street sources said.

But last night Labour MPs claimed the split had been orchestrated by Alastair Campbell in a "cynical ploy" to save Ms Jowell's career.

Now this whole messy affair clearly has a lot more mileage and will fill more than a few column inches this week for sure... but am I the only person who regards this as deeply shameful?    Jowell should have darn well resigned, first, to sever all links with a government that clearly needs no more scandal and second, to stand by her husband.

So, is this purely a separation of convenience, with them to re-unite once the dust settles?

Make your own mind up.   "Pondlife" doesn't even come close.....

Sad to learn of the death yesterday of the actor Jack Wild from oral cancer.   Jack played 'the artful dodger' in both the theatre and 1968 film version of Oliver! which endeared him to many.   He followed this with the oddly fantastical saturday morning show HR Pufnstuf, which also made it to the big screen with Mama Cass Elliot.

Like many a child star before him, he lost most of his career to alcoholism and for much of the 70's and 80's he did not work.

His last notable film part was as Much the Millers son in Robin Hood:  Prince of Thieves, by which time his lifestyle had conspired to give him the cancer that cost him his voice following an operation in 2000.

Big Mike and I spent a very pleasant evening at our regular haunt, Fabrizio's in Clerkenwell yesterday.   The prosciutto of wild boar with rocket, red onion and parmesan remains my favourite, with a new dish of beef fillet cooked in a pastry case with mixed herbs and mushrooms a close second.   A feast for the eyes as well as the taste buds.

Imagine my surprise this morning to read of a restaurant nearby where you eat entirely in the dark.   Sounds like a recipe for disaster.  But Dans Le Noir, proud to be a place not to be seen in, believes that the experience will heighten your senses and liberate your taste buds, leaving you with a different appreciation of food.   Oh and it's also a good place for a blind date, apparently.

What a load of old tosh.   Sounds like a cheap gimmick, skimping on the decor and passing off some very average frog nosh to a load of teenage trendsetters to me.    Think we'll stick to Fabrizio's.

It seems a small spat has broken out, prompted by some muppet at the Met office deciding it was too hard to use March 20/21 as the start of spring because it doesn't fit his spreadsheet / computer programme / holiday dates or something.

By tradition, spring has started on the night of March 20/21, the vernal equinox, when day and night are of equal length.

However, the Met Office said that it is easier for its record keeping to deal with whole months, making March, April and May the spring months, but that it was not seeking to change anything official.

Sir Nicholas Winterton, a Conservative MP, tabled a Commons question to John Reid, the Defence Secretary, yesterday asking "for what reason and on whose authority" the date has been changed.

Sir Nicholas said: "They may say that March 1 is the first day of spring - which it is not - but it certainly doesn't feel like it."

He was joined in his fury by other MPs. Stuart Bell, a Labour member, said: "Spring starts on March 20/21 and if the Met Office are not aware of this simple fact, it reflects a casual approach to facts, which is all too inherent today."

Bob Marshall-Andrews, another Labour MP, said: "What right have the Met Office to advance the seasons? Only the Prime Minister can do that."

Wayne Elliott, a Met Office spokesman, said: "It's nonsense to say that we have changed anything.

"Astronomically the first day of spring is March 21 but meteorologists use March 1 because it's easier to deal in whole months.

"In the South and Midlands, at least, you usually start to notice that things are changing in early March. The natural world is waking up and buds are starting to appear.

"Of course the weather doesn't always play ball and sometimes you get very mild days in February and wintery weather in March.

What a lot of nonsense.   Everyone knows Spring starts on June 1st.   Summer on July 1st and Autumn on September 1st.   From October to May it's clearly winter.

While enjoying a brief lunchtime surf today I revisited the wonderful Devil's Advocate.   Always provocative, usually funny and definitely on the money, today Barry B takes another pop at the the public sector pondlife and what he affectionately calls the Turkey Army....

It's not a pretty read.   In urging you to check it out I'll offer a snippet:

According to the Pensions Policy Institute, 39 per cent of local government officers, 25 per cent of teachers and 22 per cent of civil servants have headed for their second homes in Tuscany long before their 60th birthdays.... but only 6 per cent of the armed forces personnel take early retirement due to ill health, so shuffling documents in the wheelie-bin equality unit appears somewhat more hazardous than having rocket propelled grenades fired at you by insurgent Iraqis. Those paper cuts can be nasty, you know.)

And here’s the rub. While they’re living longer, on into their 80s and beyond (and having bailed out of working life at an indecently early age), they’re doing it at the expense of private sector workers who now face having to work on until 67 and beyond if they’re to afford the cat food and tinsel that pensioners buy in industrial quantities.

This cannot go on.  The economics simply don’t add up.

I have a horrible feeling I vented my spleen on this very subject some time ago.   We do need a change and, listening to David Cameron deal very patiently and rather well with the apalling John Humphries on Radio 4 this morning, I thought I saw a bit of metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel.

Long tunnel though.

Early this year, magistrates started to issue sartorial edicts, all of which have since involved hooded tops ("hoodies") or other items that could be used as disguise. The first hoodie case (the term now applies to the wearer, as well as the item) was that of 16-year-old Dale Carroll of ...   more »